Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Colin Kaepernick an American Hero

 It is a travesty that Colin Kaepernick’s silent protest for civil rights might prevent him from playing football ever again. Although he may never get another chance to be a leader on the football field, he is the leader of something far more important. He has led the National Football League in a movement that will force America to take the next step in her ongoing struggle for equality.










Friday, February 17, 2017

The American President



It is sad that the only surprise during the Presidents press conference was that he did not say he has Tiger Blood. 5 years ago, Charlie Sheen was doing interviews that were more coherent. Seriously, if the CEO of a company addressed the public, in the same manner, they would be fired and their family would check them into a mental institution.


If we didn’t live in a sexist society, Donald Trump would be as respected as Sarah Palin. They both
have the IQ of a 4th grader and are very difficult to understand when they use words (I can’t believe I’m defending Sarah Palin. Damn you, Donald!).





Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Turkey of the Year: Pro-life Republicans

I'm going to do something unprecedented this year. Instead of giving the Turkey of the Year award to just one person, I will be handing it out to tens of millions. Enjoy!

This is for Pro-Choice Republicans. This has nothing to do with Pro-Lifers (so don't send me your hate mail just yet). That will be a discussion for another day.





This is going to offend a lot people but sometimes the truth hurts.....

If you consider yourself Pro-Choice, I assume you still vote Republican because you have some belief that you will save a few dollars on taxes, you lack belief in science, your parents were Republicans or a combination of all these. But whatever reason you vote Republican, those issues are more important to you than a woman’s right to choose what to do with her body.

First, I want to explain what you are voting for when you vote Republican and against women’s rights because a lot of people don't understand what pro-life policy actually means.
Republican Policy 101:

     1. Abortion is murder
     2. Murder is against the law
     3. Murderers will be thrown in a cage and/or executed





Wednesday, November 9, 2016

The Day After....... President Donald Trump





Eight years ago I was standing on the streets of Berkeley watching the crowds celebrate the election of our countries first African American President. I expected to see a black President in my lifetime, I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. Maybe it was a little too soon because we let our guards down and it gave the Right a great talking point “we have a black President, racism is over”. 
Fast forward to last night; I watched as America elected a President that was endorsed and celebrated by the Ku Klux Klan. It may seem like we’ve taken a step backwards, but the truth is, we never took that step forward.

We spent all our time patting ourselves on the back and pointing out how much better we are than everyone else. We think we are a progressive society because we shame people and get them fired for saying stupid things. Meanwhile 8 Muslim Nations have had a woman leader, we stupidly criticize someone who takes a knee in protest over injustice and inequality, and bring in tanks and mine-resistant vehicles when citizens have the audacity to march down the streets to say their lives matter, because how dare you point out that America is not perfect. USA USA USA! 
Yet, we still thought, when Trump came down that escalator calling Mexican’s racist, we are too way smart and politically correct to elect someone that would insult whole races, religions and ethnicities






If you are in total shock right now, wondering how anyone with half a brain could elect the Donald, you live in a bubble. It must have never occurred to you that there were 60 million people wondering, “how could anyone with half a brain elect Hillary Clinton.” It was the arrogance of the DNC and corporate media that conspired to trick liberals into thinking these people didn’t exist. The writing was on the wall. Heck, the writing was on the wall every day for the last decade; liberals were just too arrogant to see it. They abandoned the people. Instead of asking us what we want, they told us what we want. 













The Bad:
If you are thinking that a President can’t do too much damage because we have a system of checks and balances you are wrong (Even many Trump supporters who think some of his ideas are crazy echo this sentiment). The Donald will appoint 1-3 Supreme Court Justices and several hundred regional and district judges; the ramifications will be felt for a generation. There’s going to be a Republic Senate, Republican Supreme Court, and Republican President. Republican policy has always been to punish women for making choices about their own bodies, making it harder to vote for minorities, denying science, and using religion to create laws (like ISIS). Who’s going to be doing the checking? 


Oh I forgot one thing... the President has the complete authority to fire a Nuclear Weapon in under 30 minutes and needs ZERO approval from anyone other than their very smart brain.

Say Hello to the New First Lady of the United States of America
If you think impeachment or assassination options, you must not know anything about the Vice President. Mike Pence is a moron. My Idiot Republican Power Rankings have him tied with Sarah Palin and Rick Perry. Fortunately for him, no one really focuses on him because of the Donald. Even the people of Indiana didn’t want anything to do with him… INDIANA! If you want to find out more about him, you can use the google. I’ll give you just a little taste; He wants the government to fund conversion therapy for gay people. Your tax dollars hard at work.

On the Brightside: 
What’s the worst that could happen? 
He runs the economy into the ground and leaves America with its worst deficit in history? 
He starts capturing people and throwing them in a cage to be tortured and never get a trial?
He hinders research that will save millions of lives now and billions of lives in the future?
He isn't able to stop terrorists and they successfully carry out the worst terror attack in American history? 
He spends 300 million a day in retaliation over the next 10 years, but accidentally attacks an innocent country that had nothing to do with it?

George Bush did all that and them some and and America is still chugging along. 

It is kind of funny that the most scrutinized plan of Donald Trump will probably happen. He said he will build a wall and Mexico pay for it. Now that America has shown its true colors, Mexico will gladly build that wall to keep us out.

I got plenty more to rant about but I gotta go make a ton of photocopies of all my family's papers. Can't afford to be caught without them.





Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Pardon for The Donald




This is going to be another unpopular ruling, but I’m going to have pardon The Donald again. For one to have a private conversation between them and their douchebag friend publicly scrutinized is unfair. To be clear, I’m not pardoning him on being a sleazebag. Only for being scrutinized on his private conversation.













Friday, April 1, 2016

Punish Women for Abortions!

Donald Trump said he wants to punish women who get abortions. Seriously, what’s the big deal? The Donald isn’t proposing anything new. It’s like I’ve been saying ad nauseam, he is echoing EXACTLY what the Republican party, and Republican voters have been proposing for the last 40 years. The ONLY difference is the media occasionally asks him to elaborate and he uses the vocabulary of an 8 year-old to explain.





What do people think a Pro-Life government is? It means that if a 14 year-old is raped, then the government will force her to have the baby. If she makes a decision about her body and has an abortion, then her and her doctor will be committing a crime. Under the Republican system it would be murder. They will be punished for these crimes.






Thursday, March 31, 2016

Batman V Superman

The new Wonder Woman might be the only
reason to see this movie
I have not seen this movie, nor do I intend to. But that will not stop me from critiquing it. 


It is stupid to think Batman would be any more than a wingless fly to Superman. Case in point; In the movie Superman, Superman gets so upset he decides to reverse time. He does this by flying faster than the speed of light. * Let’s do some math. The radius of Earth is 4k miles, the speed of light is 180k/mph, that means that he could circle the earth 7.5 times per second. Basically, he could grab Batman and fly him to Djibouti and back 7 times before Batman could snap his fingers. Not to mention, the amount of power he can generate flying at such a high velocity would literally destroy Batman, every country in his path, and probably the whole planet.










Thursday, March 10, 2016

More welfare please

What would happen if you refused to pay your taxes?
Democrats and Republicans agree that you’d go to jail.

Here’s another thing they agree on…
What would happen if a corporation refuses to pay taxes? They don’t have to pay them.









U.S. Corporations currently have an estimated $2.1 trillion in untaxed profits. They refuse to pay taxes unless we lower the rate from 35% to 10%. Obviously the Democrats and Republicans are planning to pass a bill so they get their wishes. We will be giving $400 Billion in corporate welfare.








Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Letter to Hillary

Dear Hillary,

That Berning sensation you are feeling is not the usual one you get from your husband Bill. There is no cream or pill for this. It will only get stronger and more uncomfortable as each day passes. You cannot stop the Bern any more than the Resistance can stop the First Order from building another Death Star.



Sincerely,
Informed Voters of America

Polling from Feb 2015 Iowa:
Hillary Clinton 68 percent 
Bernie 7 percent





Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Iran Nuclear Deal in less than 2 minutes

The Iran Nuclear Deal has gone into effect. Because of the dissemination of misinformation by the Republican party, many people are still unsure what this means. If you are in the dark, don’t worry, Uncle Fireball has got you covered in less than 2 minutes....






Here’s what all experts, Democrats and Republicans, agree on:

Before the Iran Deal, Iran was a 2-3 months away from a nuclear weapon.

The 6 countries that agreed to the deal are Germany, China, France, Russia, the United Kingdom, and the United States. 






Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Baby Number 2?


It’s been an eventful couple of years. Last year I got married, the beginning of this year I had my first child, and a couple months ago I found out I would be having another child in June (all with the same woman). We are unsure the sex, but the preliminary blood results say there’s a 1% chance it’s a boy. That number may seem low, but low probabilities hit all the time, so it’s anyone’s best guess as to the sex.











Thursday, November 19, 2015

Turkey of the Year

I had planned to put this out for thanksgiving but Bobby didn't respect my schedule and dropped out early. So happy early Thanksgiving and to all a good night.

And please do not go to Black Friday, your time is worth more than that.

Bobby Jindal became the first Indian American elected governor in the US and is arguably the worst governor in the country. However, this is not the reason he is getting this dubious award.


The constitution provides citizenship to anyone born in the United States. Bobby Jindal, much like most republican presidential candidates, wants to crap on the constitution and start deporting AMERICAN Citizens. Basically, under this policy, if your parent(s) wasn’t a citizen then you are not a citizen unless you you went through the naturalization process to become a citizen.

Bobby Jindal is the son of immigrants from India. He was born in the United States 4 months after his parents had immigrated and neither were citizens. He changed his first name from "Piyush" to "Bobby", after the youngest brother of the Brady Bunch.

Here’s the best part:






Thursday, November 5, 2015

How to spot a Tourist Trap

Just got back from France (see below) and ended up eating at two tourist traps. Even though I know better I still managed to get sucked in every now and then.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make while travelling is getting stuck eating at a tourist trap, especially in countries that are known for great food (if you’re in the UK go ahead and eat anywhere you want). So here’s a few rules that will help you avoid eating unauthentic overpriced previously frozen food.











Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Bernie Who?

Also invented the Flux Capacitor 
Tonight the national media will be forced to cover a candidate that scares the hell out of them. This candidate draws substantially larger crowds and has raised 10-100x the amount of money from small donations as the presidential "front-runners".











Thursday, September 10, 2015

NFL Opening Night!!!

Great match-up for opening night. Brady gets his punishment lifted for cheating in last years NFC championship game. Then an expose comes out about how much the Pats cheated from 2000-2007, evidence was destroyed, and the punishment was light considering they won 3 championships on the back of the cheating.

On the other side of the ball Big Ben has two legitimate championships under his belt, as well as two legitimate sexual assault allegations. *














Thursday, August 13, 2015

Avocado Math: Best Size Avocado to Buy?


Every time I buy avocados it's impossible to figure out what size avocado presents the best value.
$.99 for a small
$1.19 medium
$1.39 Large
$1.69 X-Large

If I have this problem so do you. Today's the day I solve it:















Wednesday, August 12, 2015

America's a Great Place to Have a Child

Out of 185 Countries there are 3 that don't guarantee paid maternity leave. They are Oman, Papua New Guinea, and the greatest country on earth the United States.
For comparison, here's a few other countries and the number of weeks they guarantee paid maternity leave:


Iran 12 weeks





Thursday, August 6, 2015

Fare Thee Well Jon Stewart

Today is a sad day. After 16 years John Stewart is stepping down from the Daily Show. It is pretty amazing that he was able to turn a political satire show into a more informative and factual news organization than any of the major networks. Which is the reason that the percent of college graduate Daily Show viewers is double that of Fox News.











Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Kim Kardashian Live Show


Kim Kardashian will be speaking tonight at the Castro Theatre in SF. Tickets are $50 for the cheap seats. This sums up everything that is wrong with America. If you have contributed to this by: watching her show, reading about her, buying any of her products or products she endorses, then you will be partially culpable 
should America collapse.

However, if you only watched her sex tape, you are a patriot and I pardon you.







Best Gay Marriage Quote

There’s been a lot of outrage by the Republican Party about the Supreme Court’s ruling on gay marriage. Most of the stupid comments have been questioning the Supreme Court’s right to make these kinds of judgments. Stupid, I know.

However, there is one person that takes the cake. In an interview with KJRH news, Jim Inhofe was asked about his thoughts on the Supreme Court’s ruling on gay marriage.

“I know a lot of people, actually a lot of people who are friends of mine in the gay community, who also think it was a bad decision.” 

Yes, he did say that he has gay friends and that they are against the ruling.








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