Thursday, July 21, 2011

Vacuum Conspiracy

You ever wonder why your vacuum doesn't work? Well do to plenty of investigative research I have found the answer. Even though I am putting myself and my family in grave danger uncovering this conspiracy I feel it my duty to speak out against injustice. Should anything happen to me I hope that someone will follow up my work.
Old School Hand Pump Vacuum

Sometime in the early 1900's a vacuum conspiracy began with a bunch of rich old white dudes sitting around a table wearing their monocles, top hats and twisting their mustaches (the same way most good conspiracies start). The goal was to make vacuums good enough that you would purchase one but bad enough that you would want a new one that works better. That way they could market a replacement every five years. You're probably thinking that's the stupidist conspiracy theory you've ever heard. If what I'm saying is not true then answer me this; when was the last time you used your vacuum cleaner and were Completely satisfied? It actually picked everything off the floor it was supposed to? That's what I thought. Every other appliance in your house would be returned if it didn't do its job. Would you keep your refrigerator if it only kept your food cold 80% of the time? How about your toaster, microwave, dvd player? No, you'd throw them off your balcony and back your ten speed over it. But for some reason if your vacuum cleaner picks up 80% of the crap on the ground you'll be so excited that you'll probably rub one out in a dirty pillow case.

The good news is that after a century long of dismayed house wives and homosexuals I believe this conspiracy is at its end. The founding fathers of vacuum cleaners have lost their stranglehold on the market (the uncovered story of murder, bribery and betrayal to come). Functional vacuums are springing up all over the place. They figure that you have been paying $100 for vacuum  cleaners that don't work for the past 50 years so you'd gladly pay $500 for one that works. Unfortunately I have never had the pleasure of experiencing one of these first hand but I did buy my girlfriend one and she was amazed. So amazed that she refused to let me borrow it (but that's a whole other story). Let's hope this is the end for all of us long suffering hairy carpetee's.

As always your comments are appreciated. I also take requests for future blogs. If you have any questions on love, life, happiness, sports, politics, appliances or anything in between I will do a Q&A blog. Godspeed.


  1. I felt my handicap dropping as I read this. Should have read it before I decided to play golf today. Damn.

  2. Don't worry you have time on your hands.


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