Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Gay Marriage Solution

I apologize for not blogging in a while but I was busy with my 14 fantasy football drafts. It won't happen again.

Okay back to business....
Gay people have a problem. I know they have a problem because every time I turn on the TV I see this kind of stuff below...... Gay people arguing for rights, Gays going to hell, blah blah blah

I'm here today to help the gay's and supporters with this problem. I'm not a gay spokesman but they have the right to get married and be miserable like the rest of us. It also means I'll get hit on less when I accidentally go into a gay club. (see vegas story at the end)

Normally I agree with gay people but their approach to gay marriage reform is all wrong. Well I agree with most stuff except for the in the bedroom behavior i.e. the gay shot gun, sounding, shrimping, and the reverse cowboy.

So here's what we need to do (when I say "we" I mean people that support gay marriage). We need to change the perception of gay marriage. Explaining to narrow minded people why gay's deserve to get married will never work. It's reasoning with the unreasonable. Kind of like when you're trying to explain to your girlfriend that just because you want to hang out with your friends doesn't mean you don't love her. But I digress.

These marches and public speeches only piss people off. Do you really think opponents are likely to change their mind because they see a bunch of fairies marching on the street? (See right) Of course not. All it does is piss them off even more when they see two grown men dressed like Batman and Robin groping each other. We need a better approach.  The only way to change the anti-gay marriage opponents mind is to show them what's in it for them. 
Jiminy Crickets Batman

Sample Billboard
If you went up to most hillbillies and asked if they wanted a gay neighbor they'd probably cock their shotgun. Mainly because they picture a grizzly man bending over a well groomed man while giving him a reach around on the front lawn of the trailer next door. This is obviously false because it is more trendy to be a power bottom nowadays. Regardless of their sexual positions my point is basically that no one wants to see that, especially Midwest conservatives. This is the image we need to change.

We need billboards like this (see left). We need to start making commercials of smoking hot chicks driving their Chevy home to their trailer and laying out on their confederate flag blanket while throwing back a few Budweisers. Which later turns into some kissing and heavy petting. Once you have embedded this new image into their minds the number of opponents will drop precipitously. If you plant a fantasy in a guys mind, regardless of how unlikely it is, they will always think there's a possibility of it happening. And seriously what guy wouldn't vote to see that, regardless of their personal biases.
How does gay marriage look now?

Yes we can

Before writing this I did some research and interviewed opponents of gay marriage. They refused to be photographed for these interviews. Here's what a couple of them had to say when first asked about gay marriage (The opinions expressed below are those of the interviewee's and do not necessarily reflect the positions of this blog).

Cletus: I hear tell they gonna let them brown pipers get married. 'Dat'd be worse than a lard bucket full of armpits.

Bucky: They got me all fit to be tied. I see one 'dem uphill gardners in my yard and imma whup 'dem up like a rented mule.

Cletus: Your druther is my ruthers. we gone keep em scarce as a hen's teeth.

Obviously not a very positive outlook.

Pictures provided are for entertainment
purposes only
Not actual Interviewees
Pictures provided are for entertainment
purposes only
Not actual Interviewees

Here's an excerpt of the conversation after hearing my explanation of gay marriage.

Bucky: I hear tell we should have 'dem kissing girls in our town.

Cletus: 'Dey sho are fit as a fiddle.

Bucky: If we got da horse sense to let 'dem purdy girls marry they have us come to tunecha wit 'dem I reckon.

Changed their minds completely. Point proven.

Not actual Interviewee

If you want to help the cause and you agree with my plausible solution pass this on. I want this idea to spread through the community like a benign STD.

Studies have shown that, regardless of the question, a straight man is 4 times more likely to say yes after seeing the picture on the left than on the right.

Since I have taken my time to try to help the gay people out I have one request of my own. I would like you to give up your stranglehold on the rainbow. It makes it uncomfortable for straight people to enjoy rainbows. I am not alone in this thinking and I will defer to Demetri Martin because he said it best:

            I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

Thank you for considering my request.

All joking aside, I'm not saying that this approach will solve all issues involving homosexuality, but it can solve this one. The country is pretty much split equally on this subject. All it would take is to change the mind of a few percentage of people. I believe this approach will succeed. Good luck to us all!

Two partners out for a fun night on the town
Side Story: I was in Vegas a few weeks ago and an adorable couple that i play water polo with brought me to a gay club called Krave. This was by far the gayest gay club I've been to. One of them later explained to me that there are much gayer clubs in the City. Either way this place was a sight for straight eyes (I dunno if I used the expression correctly). At clubs I'm used to seeing chicks dancing on platforms and making love to the pole. Obviously Krave was a little different. Instead it was dudes on the elevated platforms dancing in their skin tight undies. I felt a little dirty watching them work their chiseled bodies because some of them looked really young.

You might enjoy the Daily Show segment about San Francisco not being that gay.

Just in case you needed further convincing

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