Weekly Rant 1: Berlin

This is the first edition of my weekly rants. I usually do not plan ahead what I’m going to blog but I noticed a common theme in most entries. I have a lot to complain about. So, along with my rant, I’ve decided to list the top 5 things that piss me off each week. Here goes:





I spent an enjoyable week in Berlin. The first day decided to take a tour of the city. I read online that you can get free walking tours that begin at the famous Brandenburg Gate. When I arrived I spoke with a chick that was selling bus tours. I didn’t want to pay and preferred to walk so I asked her about walking tours. She looked me in the eyes and said, “No. There are no walking tours here. I’ve never heard of any walking tours here.”

Disappointed, I walked through the gate about 50 meters and saw 3 walking tours that were starting. The good thing is, I learned day one not to trust a German. I guess all the things I’ve heard about them being able to have multiple wives and not being able to drink or tell lies must be false.

At Budapest most famous sight the Citadel.....
but couldn't help myself this seems like such a better picture.

Every time I take a tour I’m reminded that tour guides are some of the weirdest, most unique people. They’re weird for obvious reason. They’re unique because I can’t figure out what drives them. They must be drawn towards attention but they don’t crave it the same way politicians or attention whores do. They tell jokes but I think they know they’re not funny. The job title doesn’t get them laid nor does it a pay a lot. Maybe I’m missing something. If you’re a tour guide maybe you can explain to me why you have chosen this profession.

It’s kind of funny that I took a tour of Berlin and the one thing that stuck with me was passing by the North Korean Embassy. I’ve always had visions, mainly because of movies, of people running to their Embassy for safety. I would picture myself running towards the American Embassy gates from a local gang or army holding out my passport yelling, “let me in. I’m an American.” As I cross the imaginary line onto American soil I look back at the angry mob and breathe a sigh of relief. I reach into my backpack and pull out the one thing that will save mankind from total destruction.

When I picture this happening at a North Korean Embassy it’s a little different. The citizen runs to the North Korean embassy and asks for help. They are handcuffed, shipped back to Korea and sent to a prison camp to pick vegetables and receive daily beatings for the rest of their lives.

Enough about Berlin. Here’s the 5 things that pissed me off this week:

European Showers
Many of the showers do not have a sliding glass door or shower curtain. Why doesn’t this stuff come standard? And if it didn’t come didn’t come standard why the hell not spend the $40 at home depot instead of having a wet floor every day. I wouldn’t be surprised if injuries caused by slipping in the bathroom are 10x higher in Europe than in the States.

Bathroom attendants
It is nice to have someone hand you a paper towel and charge you $1 for it but I would much prefer to do this arduous task myself. I have a public restroom routine and the bathroom attendant just ruins it. I hate having to forgo washing my hands and walk straight from the urinal to the door with my head down avoiding all eye contact so I can keep my dollar and avoid awkwardness. It gets even worse when you see the attendant outside of the bathroom and you know he’s looking at you saying to himself, “that’s the guy that doesn’t wash his hands because he’s too cheap to tip”. I’m all for creating jobs but this one is unnecessary. Please help me get rid of this extraneous occupation. From now on every time there is a bathroom attendant tell your waiter that he or she was looking at you inappropriately.

Restaurants with Potato Chips instead of fries
The ONLY time this is acceptable is with a sandwich. It is wrong in every other case. I think you feel me so no need to elaborate.

Chatty Dentists
Why is it that all dentists are chatty? It’s one of life’s great ironies. The chattiest person is the one that shoves tools in your mouth so you can’t respond. My theory is that dentists aren’t inherently more chatty than the rest of us. It’s just that, for most of us, when we start talking too much someone tells us to shut the F up. And throughout time you learn not talk so much. Dentists never get that response so they are emboldened. It’s kind of the same thing with hot chicks. Which is why, when hot chicks start getting old they get nuts. Because all of a sudden no one finds their stories interesting anymore.

Currency

I really hate how most currencies have different sized bills. It makes my wallet look super messy. If I get a bigger wallet I have the problem of wasted space and a smaller wallet causes all my big bills to get crumbled. Why the hell not just make all bills the same size like in the US? I understand that blind people are unable to distinguish if all bills are the same size, but it’s a small price to pay. I know that’s harsh but it’s okay because none of them are reading my blog. Just kidding blinds. Instead, they can easily alter the surface with tactile identifiers in lieu of different size bills. America please hold strong on the bill size just like we have held strong on our units of measurement.

Golf 

There’s a lot of things about golf that piss me off but I don’t have enough memory on my computer to type it all out right now so I’ll just mention one thing: When the golfer strikes the ball the first guy to yell, “Get in the whole!”.