My First New Baby

Baby made it home just in time for the best sporting day of the
year. NFL Championship weekend. I wasn't even going to let
the cheating Patriots bring me down that day.

I want to congratulate myself and my wife for successfully, like most of your parents, ushering a new life into this world. The labor was more laborious than I had planned, I had to hold a leg for over 3 hours, but with a sprinkle of grit and a dash of moxie we both got through it well.

I had been in a delivery room back in high school, and that baby was out before I finished my pack of peanut M&M’s. So I assumed it would be a fairly simple process, kinda like squeezing a hot dog out of its casing.  I have since learned that not all labors are the same.

Once I recovered from labor I started thinking about my girl’s future. My main concern was if she will have to deal with the same crap I deal with daily. The best analogy I could give for my daily struggles with people, places and things would be our friend the Toaster.

Toasters still have a setting for completely burnt toast. It’s an undeniable truth that no human in the history of the world has ever intentionally opted for toast black. Yet, every toaster still has a setting for black toast. Hair dryers don’t have a setting that will set your hair on fire, vacuum's aren't strong enough to tear out your rug, and you can’t set your freezer to absolute zero. What the hell is up with toasters?

But I digress, I’m supposed to be talking about the baby.

Yes, there has been challenges so far. Numerous arguments about whether to wrap her like a burrito, eggroll, or lumpia and myriad diaper changes. I don’t like changing diapers but I think of it as an investment because, not to long from now, my kids will be changing my diapers.

I still have yet to decide what sport she will dominate and career path she will pursue. I hope to have that figured out and etched in stone by the end of the month.

All the rest of my thoughts on parenthood can be summed up by the greatest actor of our generation.

Full Disclosure: I am not a big fan of toast.